Saturday, January 7, 2012
As I lay on the couch Friday with my dogs (using me as a cushion) slowly having the life sucked out of me by a stomach virus, I came to the realization I need a hobby or a project or something to use up some of my free time. As I lay there praying for death I looked at my two furry space heaters and thought no matter how crappy I feel my dogs are always there to comfort me especially when I have one of those all consuming pity parties. You know the kind where you look at your station in life.. and then your age.. and then your friends and their success which ultimately increases the self loathing and brings your pity party to an all new low! Well, I suppose no one is going to change my situation but me. So if I don't expire from what ever small alien has taken up space in my stomach I suppose I will count my blessings, pet my dogs and get on with life.
No less of a Woman
I have always know that I was a little diffrent from the female friends I hung around, in the fact that I have never wanted children. I just don't have a maternal instinct. Throughout the years I have been told that when I get older I will change my mind about it. Well folks, I am 39 and my biological clock still isn't ticking. Nope not a peep. Don't get me wrong, I respect women that have a true sense of enjoyment about creating life and raising children, it's just not for me.
Over the years I experianced everything from outrage to disbelief at the fact that I choose not to procreate. One women actually got down right ugly with me and told me that I was just being selfish. The funny part is she is right, I know I am selfish with my time, my freedom, my life and my choices when it comes to my body. But there is one big difference, I have never told a women that she should not want to get pregnant or have a family. Oh and by the way my husband is in full agreement with my choice not to have children. He and I talk about it often and at length. And we are in 100% accord regarding the choice.
I have been to a myriad of doctors over the years inquiring about getting my tubes tied, only to be told I had to have had at least one child before they would even consider it. Um..yeah...see that's exactly the opposite of what I want. Recentley I heard a commercial for the Essure procedure. And a good friend called me the next day to let me know about it as well. I made the appointment for the consultation and the doctor I was to see was an OBGYN. So while waiting for my name to be called I sat surrounded by several verrrry pregnant women. The receptionist called my name and asked for some insurance paperwork. After giving her all my information she asked my reason for the visit. I dont know why but I felt self conscious about saying it to loudly, as the room was filled with happy mothers-to-be and the fathers-to-be looking equally as happy. So in a low voice I said " I am here to get information about Essure." I don't really know what I thought was going to happen if anyone heard me, it's not as if a horde of pregnant women would swarm me with pitchforks and flaming torches demanding for my death for being unnatural.
I waited for my name to be called and went back to meet with the doctor. He explained the procedure and asked me why I did not want to have children. That is a really hard thing to explain to someone who thinks it is only natural for a woman to want kids. I just simply have no desire and never have. He took my answer in the best non-judgemental fashion he could and to the woman not familiar with my struggle it seemed a normal response. Although his voice seemed to drop a bit and the almost dissapointed/pity look I am so familiar with was still apparent if only to me. He set the appointment and I will finally be able to have some piece of mind when its all done.
In closing to all of you moms I am in awe of your selflessness and courage in your choices and I support you in your's, but in the end this is my family's choice and I would hope if you can not support me in it, you might be able to understand that I am no less of a woman for not having kids, I am just a different kind of woman for not having them.
Over the years I experianced everything from outrage to disbelief at the fact that I choose not to procreate. One women actually got down right ugly with me and told me that I was just being selfish. The funny part is she is right, I know I am selfish with my time, my freedom, my life and my choices when it comes to my body. But there is one big difference, I have never told a women that she should not want to get pregnant or have a family. Oh and by the way my husband is in full agreement with my choice not to have children. He and I talk about it often and at length. And we are in 100% accord regarding the choice.
I have been to a myriad of doctors over the years inquiring about getting my tubes tied, only to be told I had to have had at least one child before they would even consider it. Um..yeah...see that's exactly the opposite of what I want. Recentley I heard a commercial for the Essure procedure. And a good friend called me the next day to let me know about it as well. I made the appointment for the consultation and the doctor I was to see was an OBGYN. So while waiting for my name to be called I sat surrounded by several verrrry pregnant women. The receptionist called my name and asked for some insurance paperwork. After giving her all my information she asked my reason for the visit. I dont know why but I felt self conscious about saying it to loudly, as the room was filled with happy mothers-to-be and the fathers-to-be looking equally as happy. So in a low voice I said " I am here to get information about Essure." I don't really know what I thought was going to happen if anyone heard me, it's not as if a horde of pregnant women would swarm me with pitchforks and flaming torches demanding for my death for being unnatural.
I waited for my name to be called and went back to meet with the doctor. He explained the procedure and asked me why I did not want to have children. That is a really hard thing to explain to someone who thinks it is only natural for a woman to want kids. I just simply have no desire and never have. He took my answer in the best non-judgemental fashion he could and to the woman not familiar with my struggle it seemed a normal response. Although his voice seemed to drop a bit and the almost dissapointed/pity look I am so familiar with was still apparent if only to me. He set the appointment and I will finally be able to have some piece of mind when its all done.
In closing to all of you moms I am in awe of your selflessness and courage in your choices and I support you in your's, but in the end this is my family's choice and I would hope if you can not support me in it, you might be able to understand that I am no less of a woman for not having kids, I am just a different kind of woman for not having them.
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